IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize