i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Randomize
