plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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