just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
