Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
