So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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