I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
