I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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