i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
