You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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