new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
