I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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