i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
