if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
