Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
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