so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
