Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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