i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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