i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
Randomize
