Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
