He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I love you.
Bad choice
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
