I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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