I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
