I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
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