alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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