Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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