I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
