none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
