It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
