the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize