the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
