i may or may not be watching the land before time
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
