god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
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