I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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