Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
