Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
either way he was missing a nipple.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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