i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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