I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
