why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
