I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
