Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
