Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
