I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Hello my rib-scented angel!
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
