Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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