Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
