I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
