yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I wish there were birth control emojis
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
