Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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