My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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