He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
