I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
