just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
