so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
