i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
