i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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