Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
