I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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