Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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