U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
