I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
