I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
